The Roads Scholar

The sign above the highway is telling me: Report Suspicious Activity, 800-492-8477. I wonder what I should be watching-out for. Well, on one recent trip I saw a car in which the driver was wearing some kind of bulky head covering; that proved to be a false alarm, however, when the lady took the towel off her wet hair and began blow-drying it.

Another time I passed a woman who was applying her make-up as she drove. I didn’t think that needed to be reported, it’s certainly wasn’t unusual except, in this case, I had a suspicion that she was wasting her time, the make-up wasn’t going to do that much good.

The other evening I was passed by a whole group of motorcycles, the riders all tricked-out in their drugstore biker garb. Back in the day I could have reported a gang of outlaw bikers, probably armed and carrying illegal drugs. Today I suspect they’re carrying AARP membership cards and a weekend supply of Viagra.

After seeing that Report . . . sign again I finally put their number at #1 on my speed dial. My only concern is; if I get caught using my cell phone to report suspicious activity while driving will I get a ticket? I my call saves all from getting blown to smithereens will my fifteen minutes of fame (I will get that, right? If not, why bother making the call?) trump the calling-while-driving fine?

I’m so embarrassed! I just passed a truck full of fertilizer that I thought might have been hijacked (by whoever it is we’re afraid of) to be used as a bomb. I called “the number” and told the person who answered what I’d seen. The first question I was asked was how did I know the truck was carrying fertilizer? Duh, it was written right on the bags: C-O-W M-A-N-U-R-E! Then the person told me that that’s not the kind of fertilizer used to make bombs.

One of the most common suspicious activities I see on the highway is folks masquerading as clever with cute or witty vanity plates. I mean, how smart is it to admit you are 2DUM2NO? Or that you got the car 4BN EZ? Some vanity plates say so much more than just a handful of letters and numbers, like the defense attorney’s plate CRIMPAZ.

The plate CARGASM, on the other hand, raises more questions than it answers. For in-stance, is this something that’s happening to the car or the driver? If it’s the driver does it happen all the time or just after certain maneuvers? If it’s the car, how do we know it’s not just faking?