March, 2010 Confessions of a Drugstore Car Guy

I am the Drugstore Car Guy and I drive a Toyota. That in itself is enough to bring on flashbacks of the paranoia we all developed in the sixties; just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean someone’s not out to get you. I guess the only Toyota drivers who don’t need to feel paranoid are the ones who only drive those turnpikes down south like Daytona or Talladega or those who take the Bonneville Salt Flats to work.

Just kidding, I love my Toyota and the only flaw I’ve found in driving it for over a year is the way the radio comes on all by itself when I hit a bump. Not every time I hit a bump but, every once in a while the radio just comes on. I shut it off and, almost every time it comes on again just to show me who’s boss. To be fair, it’s never come on after I shut it off for the second time.

We’ve all heard explanations about how floor mats can cause the gas pedal to stick but I think that’s probably not the reason Toyotas have been experiencing SAS (sudden acceleration syndrome). With so many drive-by-wire systems and onboard computers we all know what (or who) is the culprit. Even though my Toyota isn’t a 2001 I’ve named the computer Hal. I figure if while I’m driving I keep unflattering comments to myself and give him nothing to get annoyed about, Hal will do just fine by me.

My old Chevy has suffered problems that remind me of Toyota’s even though I know it doesn’t have a computer. The Chevy has experienced both SDS (sudden deceleration syndrome) and DTJQR (damn thing just quit running) on two occasions. While not as terrifying as having your Prius speed out-of-control at lots faster than anyone would ever think it could go, both SDS and DTJQR are disconcerting (polite talk for it flat pisses me off) in a ’56 Chevy. And I’m certainly glad I have AAA!

One solution I’ve heard is to rename all Toyotas “Christine” but I’m not convinced that will fix much. In the first place I’m not so sure the problem lies solely with each Toyota and it’s computer. I mean, sure, it’s the car and the computer that are experiencing the glitch but maybe the glitch is being caused by something external. Like driving too close to a WIFI hotspot or using a cell phone or GPS unit while driving. I don’t even remotely begin to understand the ramifications of outside influences on modern electronics.

A lack of understanding, however, should never be an excuse for not indulging in unfettered conjecture! I mean where would our Government, the Media or our economy be without irresponsible speculation? Every media outlet in the world would experience significant dead air if they had to wait for facts before broadcasting. And how would Economists or government Analysts spend their days if they had to base their work products on verifiable data?

I do know that the stuff that makes a car work can be controlled from a distance and that, with the right equipment what’s happening in a car can be monitored from somewhere else. The reason I’m hesitant about buying a car with a system like GM’s On Star or Ford’s Sync is because they provide too much information about what’s going on in your car. Can you imagine how disconcerting it would be to have your car remind you, as you and your date enjoyed the view at Lover’s Lane, that now might be a good time to think about protection. Or to have it tell you that you’re going 40 in a 35 mile per hour zone and that the next notification will go to the local police department.

Damn, having your own car narc on you; that’s why we drive the classics. With them the only limits are horsepower, the weight of your foot and how loud your passenger can squeal!